


River, river, run deep.

by RussianSunflower3



Series: Sunflower's MatsuIwa week [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, MatsuIwa Week, Prompt: Failure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 17:44:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11086704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RussianSunflower3/pseuds/RussianSunflower3
Summary: The swirling rapids of the river had swallowed Iwaizumi whole. And as Matsukawa stared down at the spot where he vanished underwater, he couldn't help blaming himself; for failing to catch him.The thoughts pursued him even as he sat by Iwaizumi's hospital bedside, and the chant echoed in his head to the rhythm of the heart monitor."Failure, failure, failure"





	River, river, run deep.

Matsukawa perched on the edge of a bed drenched in white, the creases of his face stressed and the sadness behind his eyes hollow. He continuously stroked his hand - slowly - through a mass of black hair, greasy and unwashed, but that didn’t concern him.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

Iwaizumi wasn’t supposed to be in a hospital bed, fighting for his life, shallow breaths barely fogging the mask across his face. Closing his eyes slowly, Matsukawa exhales for a prolonged amount of time. 

All four of them had been walking home. All four of them had crossed that old rickety bridge, mossy planks and withering rope.

But Iwaizumi had been the one to fall, and Matsukawa had failed to catch him in time. Oikawa had reacted faster, fingertips brushing with Iwaizumi’s before he slipped from his grasp and into the river below. The expression of blatant fear on Iwaizumi’s face as he fell further and further from reach, plunging into the rushing waters, was enough to give Matsukawa nightmares.

If he’d been quick enough, he could have caught Iwaizumi. If he had at least foreseen it, with the old, creaky panels, and the way they dipped beneath each step, he could have pulled Iwaizumi back at the last second. They could be safely across the river, having used the ropes more than the wooden planks.

But he had failed. 

He was a _failure_ , because Iwaizumi was here in hospital after being dragged unconscious from downstream, school uniform tattered and torn, his skin bruised and battered. Iwaizumi was in hospital, and Matsukawa refused to leave his side. One whole week, he had barely moved from the chair at the side of Iwaizumi’s bed in the High Dependency Unit. 

He only ate when Hanamaki and Oikawa visited - as much as they could - bringing food with them. He would dash to the bathroom when nurses came to check on Iwaizumi, returning with hands still wet from washing because he daren’t waste time waiting for the stupid, slow hand dryer to finally kick into gear. 

Hanamaki brought him clean clothes each day, taking the seat by the bed whilst Matsukawa changed. Oikawa snuck toiletries in so he could sneakily burrow the staff showers to freshen up, courtesy of one very kind nurse who understood his resolute will to remain by Iwaizumi’s side.

Currently, though, he was alone. He was here alone - when he really should be in school - and dealing with the fact that he was a complete _failure_.

Why hadn’t he caught Iwaizumi?

Why hadn’t he seen it coming?

Why had he frozen on the spot and done nothing as Iwaizumi fearfully shouted his name in panic and desperation as he fell?!

_“Issei!”_

Iwaizumi had called to him, reached out towards him, and Matsukawa had watched him fall with wide, horrified eyes. It had only been after Hanamaki had bolted off the bridge, Oikawa following after him, that Matsukawa had realised Iwaizumi had _fallen_. 

And the river was stealing him away. 

Hanamaki and Oikawa had dropped their bags as soon as they reached the other side of the bridge, racing down the embankment as fast as they could, following the river until the ground sloped to same height and the rapids soothed out into a gentle flow, deceptive of the river’s power. 

They’d been the one who’d pulled Iwaizumi - unconscious and broken - from the water. Oikawa had splashed through the water and grabbed him from a rock that he’d crashed into, tugging Iwaizumi away from the current. 

Hanamaki had waited on the bank, taking off his school blazer to wrap around any injuries Iwaizumi had sustained. A wise move - he’d had a large gash across his head that Hanamaki had managed to stop bleeding.

Whilst all that happened, Matsukawa had trudged after them like he was made of stone, like tree roots had wrapped themselves around his ankles and he was wading through sludge. It felt like time had stopped. Like his _heart_ had stopped. He hadn’t been able to do anything as his best friends saved his boyfriend.

“Mattsun.” He jolts at the sudden appearance of Oikawa, turning his head slowly towards the door. Oikawa winces at the bags under Matsukawa’s eyes, the strain in his welcoming smile. Frowning, Oikawa walks over and sits himself in the chair next to the bed, since Matsukawa is currently perched on the edge of the bed.

“You need to rest, Mattsun.”

“I’m fine.” Oikawa watches as Matsukawa squeezes Iwaizumi’s left hand with his own, right hand carding through his hair as if to soothe Iwaizumi, had he been awake. Softly, Oikawa places a hand on Matsukawa’s shoulder.

“You’re not. I can tell.”

“Okay, I’m not. So what? I can’t leave him, Oikawa, I can’t fail him again. I need to be here when he wakes up.”

“Fail?” Matsukawa sags, his shoulders drooping as if all the energy had suddenly been siphoned out of him.

“I- I failed… When he fell, I- I should have caught him…”

“Mattsun… Don’t be stupid! I was right there too, I couldn’t catch him either! That doesn’t make me a failure, it just means it happened too fast!” Matsukawa’s lips twist up in a sneer, his teeth clenched together.

“At least you reacted! At least you _tried_! I- I couldn’t even **_move_**! I’m just a failure!” The room is silent, but for the beep of machinery keeping track of Iwaizumi’s vitals. Oikawa draws his hand away slowly, pulling it back to his chest. Matsukawa - hunched over with tears falling onto the white bedsheet - looks like a broken man. Oikawa sighs, casting his eyes to the floor.

“Everyone reacts differently in accidents like those. Some people… Don’t react in time. They try, but they can’t reach, like me. Others freeze, like you did. And some… Their bodies move without thinking, like Takahiro’s. _How_ you react isn’t whether you fail or not. It’s what you do afterwards.”

“Afterwards…?” Oikawa nods towards Matsukawa’s hand, laced with Iwaizumi’s. Slowly, he rises from the chair, placing a wrapped bento box on the seat behind him.

“Personally, I think you’re doing more than enough.” His gaze drifts to the heart monitor, eyes watering.

“Iwa-chan would want you to take of yourself too, y’know? He’s gonna be so angry if he wakes up and you look like this.” The door closes softly behind Oikawa as he leaves, and Matsukawa feels… Uprooted.

Oikawa’s right. Iwaizumi wouldn’t want to see him like _this_ , exhausted, bedraggled and downright frazzled. Iwaizumi would want to see _him_ \- the Matsukawa he fell in love with. Taking a deep breath, Matsukawa leans in and presses a kiss to Iwaizumi’s forehead, pushing his fringe back.

“Don’t you _dare_ wake up whilst I’m gone, I’ll be a couple of hours.” One more kiss, and then he’s grabbing the bento box Oikawa left behind and jogging through the hospital hallways towards the exit. He’s not allowed to run, but presuming that Oikawa was walking…

He steps out of the hospital doors and into the car park just in time to witness Oikawa slipping into the front of his mother's car.

“Oikawa! Oi, Tooru! Stop, you nincompoop!” 

“Eh?! Mattsun!” Oikawa quickly jumps back out, opening his arms as Matsukawa collides into them, panting from his rush outside. He hugs tightly before drawing back.

“What’s wrong? Is Iwa-?”

“He’s okay. I just- You’re right. I can’t let him see me like this. Do you… Can you…?” His eyes flit around nervously, but Oikawa understands and smiles, wide and genuine.

“Get in the car, you idiot. Mama, can we stop by Mattsun’s?” His mother gives a thumbs up with a grin that matches her son’s, feet moving to the pedals.

“It’s been a while since I’ve had tea with Rinko-chan~.” Deadpan, Oikawa turns back to Matsukawa.

“You’ve doomed me to three hours of listening to old lady gossip. I hope you’re happy.” Matsukawa rolls his eyes with a snort as he slips into the backseat and straps himself in.

“Believe me, Oikawa, we all know you contribute a whole hour of gossip yourself.” He laughs as Oikawa blushes, sliding down in his seat in embarrassment. It’s true, after all. He just _loves_ to gather information on people, and the best way to do that is to bring a certain person to the attention of the Gossip Mothers Network™.

“Mean, Mattsun.” Casual conversation continues for the ten minute car drive, although Matsukawa’s leg never stops bouncing impatiently. 

He’s worried. He’s never left Iwaizumi in that hospital bed this long before. What if he wakes up? What if- What if something goes _wrong_?

“Takahiro’s gonna meet us at yours. We’ll brush you up and make you spick and span!”

“... I’m only coming home for a shower, nap, and proper meal…”

“Okay, but you really do look awful. One nap isn’t going to get rid of those bags under your eyes. And as much as a shower will get rid of your sweaty body odour, you can’t rinse away those cuts and bruises from where you’ve been digging your nails into your arms, _Mattsun_.” Guiltily, Matsukawa averts his gaze, pleased to see the familiar streets.

“Oh look, we’re almost at mine.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I hope mum makes hamburger steak.”

“ _Don’t_ change the subject!”

“I hope Hanamaki wears the black crop top with the purple flower broach.”

“... Yeah, me too.” Matsukawa snickers at how quickly Oikawa changes tune, or at least how easily led astray by Hanamaki he is.

“You’re so grossly in love.”

“At least we keep the _public_ display of affection down to a minimum! You and Iwa-chan are so soppy! So domestic! As cute as it is, it’s very hard to talk to either of you when you’re sucking each others faces!”

“Look, I apologise for that one time we made out all lunch, but I will _not_ stop showing Hajime affection. He loves it.”

“So do you, Mr.Clingy.” Matsukawa sticks the tip of his tongue out slightly at Oikawa, getting a full sticky tongue in return. It’s easy to relax like this, bantering with Oikawa as they get out the car and he’s ushered up the stairs to go sleep. Like this, he can tone down a bit from being so frazzled about Iwaizumi.

And he realises just how badly he’s been beating himself up.

Sure, he failed.   
But that didn’t mean he was a fail _ure_. It was just an accident. 

Just an accident. 

The only thing that could have prevented it would be never stepping on the rickety bridge in the first place. It was a collective responsibility, and _nobody_ was at fault.   
Nobody was a failure.

Yawning and closing his eyes, Matsukawa gives in to the exhaustion that’s been hounding him since he started skipping sleep. He sleeps solidly for a good three hours, waking up bleary and disorientated.

“Oh Sleeping Uuuuuugly, time to get up!”

“Shurrup, Makki… You’re like… Rude…” A cackle comes from his side at the attempted insult, since Matsukawa’s words and brain conked out on him before he had something substantial. Hanamaki pokes Matsukawa’s side, right in his ticklish spot.

“Up! You stink and your stomach keeps growling at me!”

“ _I’m_ gonna start growling at you in a minute.” Hanamaki laughs, tugging Matsukawa up by his wrists even as Matsukawa sags unresponsively to tease him. He manages to drag Matsukawa onto the floor and halfway across the room before Oikawa enters with food and a glass of orange juice on a tray. He looks at them as if they’re idiots.

“I’m not going to ask. Mattsun, eat up! Then shower and get dressed! Takahiro ‘n’ I are gonna glam you up!”

“For who; The paparazzi?”

“No, just because you’re fucking ugly.” Matsukawa playfully kicks out at Hanamaki, who dodges it with a small jump and cheeky grin. Oikawa rolls his eyes. He loves his friends and boyfriend, he really does, but sometimes they act more childish than _him_.

Rarely, but it happens.

“Go! Shower! _Now!_ ” Matsukawa scrambles to his feet at the tone of Oikawa’s voice, mumbling something to Hanamaki about ‘father mode’, and grabbing the clothes Hanamaki dropped on his bed for him to change into. As soon as he vanishes into the bathroom, Oikawa sighs and puts the tray down on the bedside table. Hanamaki smiles softly at him.

“You’re scary, babe.”

“I’m an inspiration.”

“Sure, whatever you call it.”

“Well he did as I said!” With a huff of amusement, Hanamaki pulls Oikawa towards him by the hips, softly nuzzling their noses together before kissing his cheek.

“I love you, Tooru.”

“I love you too, Takahiro~.” Oikawa presses his face into Hanamaki’s shoulder, loosely embracing him whilst burying his nose in the crook of Hanamaki’s neck.

“You smell good.”

“Do I?”

“Mhm.”

“Good, ‘cus I stole it from your drawer of obnoxious sprays.” Squawking in fake offence, Oikawa lightly slaps Hanamaki’s upper arm.

“You thief!” 

“I’m only burrowing it for today!”

“Yes, but you stole my heart!” Hanamaki blinks. He holds a grinning Oikawa at arms length as he processes the words. Then, he blushes. 

“You can’t call Matsukawa a sap and then say things like that! You’re gonna kill me, To’!” Oikawa beams just as brightly, love in his eyes and a softness to his expression. True, Matsukawa and Iwaizumi are much more physically affectionate, but Oikawa has the cute fluster lines _down_. Hanamaki is so adorable when his cheeks turn rosy and the tips of his ears flush with colour. 

“Ah, you’re just too cute~.” A light hearted growl breaks out of Hanamaki’s throat as he steps back into Oikawa’s space, swooping him downwards so he’s dipped like in the middle of a dance, Oikawa shrieking in delight.

“I’m a grown ass Wing Spiker, you dare call me ‘cute’! I’ll show you~!” He takes in a huge gulp of air, bending over to press his lips to Oikawa’s exposed belly and blowing a raspberry on the bare skin. 

Oikawa screaming for mercy and giggling is what Matsukawa sees when he reappears from the bathroom, dressed in plain black trousers with a button-up yellow shirt, a shade between mustard and french vanilla. He coughs into his hand and the two quickly separate with matching blushes.

“... Are you sure this is a good choice?”

“Of course! It looks great!”

“It’s just missing one thing…” Oikawa and Matsukawa wait patiently as Hanamaki frowns, scrutinizing the outfit and tapping his foot in deep thought. 

“A-ha!” He twists on his heel and starts rummaging through Matsukawa’s wardrobe - not that his best friend thinks to stop him. Hanamaki has the best fashion sense out of all four of them. Iwaizumi’s the second best. He and Oikawa are just lost causes.

Hanamaki emerges with a devious grin and something clasped tightly in his hand.

“Whatchu got there?”

“Close your eyes…” Grunting, Matsukawa does so. He frowns as he feels Hanamaki doing _something_ to his shirt, but doesn’t question it.

“Okay, open them and check the mirror.” As soon as he stands in front of the mirror, Matsukawa hides a laugh behind his hand, feeling tears well up in his eyes, accompanied by the familiar sting that feels like he’s about to cry.

“I love it. It’s perfect.” A small pin, not originally his own. He’d nicked the small godzilla shape pin from Iwaizumi’s blazer on one of their dates, and Iwaizumi had pouted before softly saying that Matsukawa should keep it.

_“So you’ll have a part of me with you. Always.”_

He put his hand over it, holding it there as his fingers shook and his smile wobbled, one tear escaping and rolling down his cheek. God, he wishes Iwaizumi were with him right now. He wants to hug him. Kiss him. Hold him close and promise to never let go. Pledge that he’ll always catch him when he falls.

He won’t fail again.  
If he has to, he’ll catch Iwaizumi a thousand times over.  
A _million_ times over.

Hanamaki squeezes his shoulder with a reassuring smile, a silent _“We’re here for you”,_ Oikawa nodding behind him. 

“You wanna head back to the hospital?”

“Do I ever! I miss him. I want to be there when he wakes up.” Oikawa huffs with amusement.

“We all do, Mattsun, but we’ll definitely let you be the first one he sees.” 

“Thanks, guys. You’re my best friends.” He opens his arms, not at all surprised when Hanamaki and Oikawa bundle into them and almost knock him to the ground. Somehow, he manages to remain upright as they squeeze him so tightly he wheezes.

“Okay… Not breathing… Lemme go…” Laughing, they release him, only to start shoving him out the room and down the stairs, carefully.

The food on the tray Oikawa brought up lies forgotten by the bedside, but it’s unimportant considering what they’re going through. Oikawa’s mother very kindly gives all three a lift to the hospital, though Oikawa and Hanamaki stop at one of the little gift shops, searching for the most obnoxious thing they can get for Iwaizumi. Such good friends.

Matsukawa, on the other hand, races towards Iwaizumi’s room on the High Dependency Unit. He promised he’d be a couple of hours. He’s been just over four. What if Iwaizumi had woken up? What if he’d been moved onto another ward? What if - he dreads to think - things took a turn for the worse?

Taking a deep breath, he slides back to the door to the room. And thankfully sighs. Iwaizumi is still in the same bed, with the same mask over his face, ‘sleeping’ peacefully. It’s… So easy to believe he’s just sleeping. Not in a _coma_. Sighing, he slips back into the chair next to the bed, reaching over to gently hold Iwaizumi’s closest hand.

“You gotta wake up soon, Hajime… I know I say that everyday, but… I mean it. I miss you. I love you. Makki and Oikawa miss you too. And your mother does, probably most of all. I don’t mind coming second to your mother, but Hajime, please… Please wake up so I can tell you I love you again…”

“Is-” His heart skips a beat, gaze darting to Iwaizumi’s lips. Did- Did he hear something just now? No… It’s not possible. The mask just fogs with tiny breaths, each one a whisper of a gasp that keeps Iwaizumi alive. Matsukawa exhales slowly through his nose, a bitter chuckle escaping with it.

“I think the hope is driving me insane…” He’s about to draw away, go to the coffee machine down the hallway with the coins in his pocket, get a dose of caffeine to keep him awake and watching and with Iwaizumi-.

Then he feels it.

Around his fingers, just the lightest squeeze.

“H-Hajime?!” Iwaizumi’s nose is scrunched up. His lips squirm as if he’s fighting to say something, to open them. His eyelids flutter open and closed rapidly as he adjusts to the harsh light of the hospital room.

“Is… Sei…” _Holy shit_

“Issei…” _Holy **shit**_.

In the blink of an eye, Matsukawa is practically leaning over Iwaizumi, clasping both hands tightly against his chest and pressing kisses all over his forehead and cheeks, ignoring the way his tears drop onto the mask and roll off onto the pillow.

“Hajime, Hajime, Hajime-” His endless chant continues until green eyes fully peel open and stare into his, so soft and loving and _Iwaizumi_.

“Oh god, I missed you so much, I missed you…”

“I-... I went… Away?” Matsukawa sucks in a breath. Did Iwaizumi not realise where he was…?

“You- You’re in hospital, Hajime… Do you remember?”

“Umm… There was-... We were walking home, and… And we went the bridge way… The planks-.” He cuts himself off, biting into his bottom lip and squeezing his eyes shut. Matsukawa’s shoulders droop and his eyebrows furrow in concern and sympathy. He remembers.

“I’m sorry, Hajime. I- I couldn’t catch you… I couldn’t do _anything_... I was a fail-”

“No!” The harsh outburst does nothing for Iwaizumi’s current state, leaving him weakly coughing and gasping for breath. Matsukawa shushes him and rubs his chest comfortingly to try and make it easier for him. With water spilling from his eyes - both from coughing and from emotion - Iwaizumi forces himself to sit up a little, his hands on Matsukawa’s cheeks.

“It wasn’t- It wasn’t your fault… You didn’t _have_ to do anything, and- and I know I would have done the same. If- If it had been you… I wouldn’t have known what to do either…”

“But I-”

“No. It’s okay. I- I should have known better than to step on a half-broken plank anyways. We shouldn’t have even gone that way in the first place.” Matsukawa reluctantly nods. He slowly looks back up into Iwaizumi’s eyes, soothed by how calm he seems. The fogging in the mask is much heavier now, Iwaizumi taking full breaths through his nose rather than tiny puffs through his mouth. Gently, Matsukawa brushes his fingers over the mask.

“Can I take this off?”

“ _Please_.” Laughing at the desperation in Iwaizumi’s voice, Matsukawa carefully removes the mask. There’s only a split second between the mask being removed and Iwaizumi pulling him down, crashing their lips together with a hint of need. It takes Matsukawa a moment to realise what’s happening and kiss back.

God, Matsukawa’s missed this. Every touch, every kiss, every _“I love you”_ whispered between them… Iwaizumi’s only been ‘gone’ a week, but it was agony. Not knowing if he was okay, if he’d come back, or if there’d be long lasting effects… Slowly, he pulls back, shaking his head when Iwaizumi tries to tug him back down.

“Issei?”

“Hajime. I-... How much do you remember?” Iwaizumi’s brow creases, his thumb on Matsukawa’s cheek brushing over his cheekbone anxiously.

“I told you, it’s not your fau-”

“No, I mean. What happened to _you_. Do you remember?” The shudder that runs through Iwaizumi indicates that he does, but it doesn’t say how much. And that’s the important part.

“W-Water. So much water. I- I couldn’t _breathe_ , Issei! I couldn’t breathe… I- I thought I was going to drown and- and I kept hitting rocks and the water was _cold_ and I felt like I was dying, I- I- I-!” His voice is pitching up, picking up speed as he stammers and almost hyperventilates. Gently, ever so delicately, Matsukawa eases an arm around his shoulders and pulls Iwaizumi into his chest, other hand between them pressed against Iwaizumi’s heart.

“Easy, easy… Shh… It’s okay, you’re safe now… There’s no water here… You’re safe.”

“F-Fuck, Issei… I think I’m scared of water…” The hand around Iwaizumi’s shoulders circles reassuringly.

“And that’s okay. I think anyone would be, after what you’ve been through.”

“... It’s okay?” Matsukawa nods, lowering his head to press their foreheads together.

“It’s okay.” For a moment, they sit in silence, Iwaizumi casually fiddling with the pin on Matsukawa’s shirt. Although he doesn’t talk about it, Matsukawa can sense the small smile on his lips, how much it means to him that the pin is on his shirt. He makes a mental note to thank Hanamaki later. Matsukawa wonders how much longer they’re going to be in the gift shop.

“Iwa-chan!” Ah, there they are. Iwaizumi barely has a moment to process that his best friend and best _best_ friend have just bundled into the hospital room before he’s being hugged from all sides.

“O-Oikawa! Makki!”

“We’re so glad you’re okay!”

“Waiting for you was so scary, Iwa-chan!” Iwaizumi sniffles, burying his face in Matsukawa’s collarbone. Oikawa coos, stroking Iwaizumi’s back as Hanamaki ruffles his hair. 

“I- I’m sorry! I’ll n-never do it again!”

“We know, we know!”

“Don’t worry, we won’t walk that way again.” Matsukawa is quiet, letting them comfort each other. They’re close, best friends until the end, so it’s vital he lets Iwaizumi have this moment with them. It doesn’t take long for Iwaizumi to start feeling dizzy and tired though. A whole week in a coma has definitely done a number on his health.

“Hajime?” Soft lips brush against his hairline and he hums in response, pulling away from Matsukawa just enough to reach up and rub at his tired eyes. The corners of Matsukawa’s lips twist in concern, gently easing Iwaizumi back into lying down.

“Go back to sleep, Hajime.”

“N-Nooo… I don’t want to sleep more…”

“Shh, shh… You’ll get better quicker if you listen to your body. And right now, it wants you to sleep. Okay?” Oikawa nods frantically as Iwaizumi looks at him for a second opinion, and Hanamaki chimes in with fake snoring sounds.

“... Be here when I wake up?” Matsukawa smiles, squeezing Iwaizumi’s hand lightly as he yawns.

“Always.” Green eyes flutter closed, tension evening out and breathing slowly. Matsukawa places the mask back on, for safety, and presses a tender kiss to the corner of Iwaizumi’s eye milliseconds before he goes back into a deep sleep. His heart swells with love, welling up into a promise spoken through a smile;

“Always, Hajime.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos/comments~!


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